the power of music

it was misery day.

knowing tis semester will be a disaster semester...
but didnt expect the first week already skewed me so well...

due to some incident.
i was really god damn upset. yes, it wasn't the first time i feel upset for the pass few months.
but today is the first time i feel i am so alone, which i don't really have anyone to be with in the college.
seeing the time flies... and i have nothing to do...

with situation i facing, i just couldn't stop crying in reading room
after all, wat i really get, is tis kind of treatment.
cool.

i feel so shy to cry in the reading room..
but i just can't control my tears at all...
i try to focus on my philosophy notes but my brain just can't swift my concentration to it..
i feel so hurt to receive those kind of treatment that i have never receive in the college.
i tried so hard to stop my tears, but it just didn't work..

i just realize i wasnt able to control tears is because of my itouch.
apparently, all the music in my itouch are super sad and emo songs.
i just can't help crying while listening to them.
i wasn't willingly to let go my music because i know i am all alone there now.
without the music, i would really have nothing now.

broken heart with super sad song.
i just break down in college.

for a moment i did managed to control my tears and tried to listen more on happy songs.
but the moment jye came in the room and talked to me.
i immediately burst into tears,
and pack my things asap to leave the room.

luckily, at least jye was there for me for 30 minutes.
finally, i found someone to have lunch with me.
thanks for precious stact club time, u tried to arrange for me.

i just feel so glad at least there are someone for me, when i just feel so helpless.
a person to have lunch with me, while i m so hungry but don't willingly to have lunch alone.
i miss all my dear classmates =( but they have psychology class to go on, and they just cant be with me.

30 minutes talks with jye. he even tried to talk politic stuff to swift my concentration.
until 1 moment i burst into tears again..
he said tat, i have been rejected many guys propose and broke their heart in the past.
so tis is karma i am receiving now.
tis is wat happening now? so, tat is the things i going through now?
is was my turn being rejected and being hurt?
even though it was hurt sentences =p, but i really appreciate that at least there are someone else to tease me. =)

after my lunch,
i was struggling whether to skip or go for my philosophy class.
i sat in front of CAE office stair, looking at cars, making my decisions.

while my darlings found me sitting there, once again, i burst into tears.
so glad the girls were with me tat time now.
i was so upset with the treatment received after my sales management class.
the first time, i really totally break down in college, keep crying on the stair even though there are so many ppl passing by. i lose control and keep crying.

i was so indecisive whether to enter philosophy class. it was a very tough class, if i skipped the class, it is difficult for me to follow the next class.
my mood was so unstable. i have a pair of swollen eyes and a strawberry nose.
i am shy to enter class, fear to show everyone my deadly face.
something make me more worry is that i just afraid i would burst into tears in class again.
12.35pm
i decided to enter class.
i went to toilet to wash my face, hoping it would ease my eyes and nose.
i met my psychology lecturer in the toilet, was trying to hide from her and dash into the toilet.
shy. i feel so shameful to let ppl see my ugly face.

i m glad i enter the classmate while the class is showing documentary video.
the class is dark so no one can see i have a pair of swollen eyes and strawberry nose.
i breath. thanks god.
in class, was pretending nth have happen and act as happy as possible.
laugh loud, be active, be talkative.
i am so fear that people would find out i just cried and the effect of 2 hours cries.
after class end, i used my faster speed to runaway from class.

thanks for classmate who willingly turn back to pick me up.
at least, finally i leave the hell place.

now
college is declared as hell for me. not even college, the whole area of subang is such a disaster to me.
i hate to go subang including college now.
every morning, i fight against my conscience. GO or NOT GO?
tis sentences struggle me for few hours.
did i sleep last night? i don't know
maybe i did nap for a while.

basically, my body is so tired, but my brain just don't willingly to put me to sleep.
god damn it.
would u mind to give me a good night sleep or granted me a better life.
for the pass few month.
not even 1 good things really happen on it.
i just keep hearing ppl rejecting me, losing things, bad luck.
i am so offended with the rejection.

next monday.
is will be another challenge.
2 hours being alone. will i have the courage to go eat alone tis time?
after today, i realized the fact that human are the cruelest animal in the world.
i have never felt so hurt and today incident just totally break me into pieces.
the bond between human is so freaking weak, no matter how great it to be, but as long as it clash with person's benefit and dignity. the bond is just nothing at all. it just vanish immediately.
how fragile it is.

fear.

my heart now is full of fear.

next week.
fear of loneliness.
but i try to get through it. at least go eat alone. =)
i will not expect anything more. i dare not to hope.
the hope or the expectation today just break me into pieces. i hope it would be a karma next time.
wat are u still hoping? there is nothing.
angie, it just 7 weeks more.
run through it.

at least today there are some nice part
stupid danny always pretending don't care or bother of his gf.
but to get his gf bday present, he walked few hours to search for it.
a guy who are currently so damn broke, even trying to skip meal to buy the bday present for his gal.
even though is kinda silly to skip meal for the expensive present, but i do see how much he really care for his gal. mouth also said dun care dun care but actually care like hell.
the face expression tat shown on his face when he couldn't get his gal favorite color on tat item impressed me.
i know she will love your present. the present include your effort and sincerity.
all the best dude.

2 more hours my day end.
no more disaster for the future day.
tq
i only want good news and good things happen on me.
tq